A fridge too far

After four years of Chris Christie’s lying, bullying, and general douchebaggery, CNN finally gets around to asking a tough question: Can Chris Christie be believed?

Sure, he can be believed. Anyone can believe just about anything, if they are stupid and gullible enough. Some people believe world events are controlled by elitist humanoid reptilian aliens.

But that’s neither here nor there. What CNN presumes to ask, were the minds behind the self-proclaimed “Most Trusted Name in News” functionally literate, is, “should Chris Christie be believed?”

It’s a question as stupid as its framing.

No, Chris Christie shouldn’t be believed. Seriously, what the fuck are we? A bunch of fawning supplicants mindlessly masticating whatever table scraps the country’s most gluttonous governor tosses into our laps? I’m not going to roll over and accept that Christie had absolutely nothing to do with traffic-fucking Fort Lee half to death because Mayor Mark Sokolich refused to endorse his reelection as governor, and no sane person should. Christie’s record speaks volumes, and it’s all on fucking video.

Let’s have a look:

He’s also called reporters “idiots”, bullied a public school teacher, and made lewd comments to a female critic while schtupping for President Mitt Romney. He’s a fucking bully. End of story. And it is entirely possible, if not likely, he knew his staffers deliberately logjammed an entire city as a petty political vendetta.

Just look at how he reacted when the speculation of his involvement in the GW traffic jam first broke:

“I worked the cones. Unbeknownst to anyone, I was working the cones,” Christie joked during a Statehouse news conference.

“Just because John Wisniewski and Loretta Weinberg are obsessed with this… it just shows you they really have nothing to do,” Christie said.

The man’s a predictable one-trick pony. Bullying seems to be the only thing he knows how to do.

But here’s the problem: we don’t have proof Christie knew anything about the lane closures that face-fucked Fort Lee. We know his people ordered it, we know the story he fed us about a “traffic study” is bullshit, but we don’t know for sure whether or not he actually knew about it. Christie’s a bully, sure, but the Republican party is full of people just like him. As things stand there’s no way to tell for sure whether or not his fat fingers were on the button.

If Christie is half the politician he thinks he is, we won’t be lucky enough to find an email trail leading back to him. He has surrounded himself with starry-eyed troglodytes who worship the fucking ground he walks on; they’ll take the fall long before they’ll let anything happen to their beloved leader, even if he is government’s answer to Rex fucking Ryan. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be skeptical. We just can’t be accusational.

(As an aside: some may find the fat jokes in poor taste, or a low blow. Generally, I’d agree, but Christie is an insufferable prick and I don’t believe in turning the other cheek. When–or if–he stops picking on powerless people, I’ll stop with the fat jokes, but until then, his flabby ass is fair fucking game.)

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