How to run a for-profit college

It isn’t very difficult, really. And there’s a killing to be made. Simply:

  1. Secure the capital investment necessary to rent a flashy building in a nice, relatively upscale commercial district. This is probably the hardest part.
  2. Hire a few professors. With academics suffering under a painful ten-year decline in federal funding, there are more PhD’s than there are academic jobs. Remember: they’re desperate, so low-ball the everloving shit out of them.
  3. Now, get yourself a student body. Selectively target the poor and returned military veterans; the poor have the most to gain from a college education, and vets have all them GI Bill duckets. Don’t worry about academic standards. Admit anyone who can get a loan to pay tuition.
  4. Pour yourself a drink. Kick up your feet. The hard part is over. Don’t invest in the necessary infrastructure to support your sub-standard students; don’t invest in professors, research, or technology that will make your degrees more competitive in the job market. Laugh your ass off when two-thirds of your student body eventually grows frustrated and drops out. Laugh your ass off even more when they’re up to their eyeballs in student loan debt and have nothing to show for it, and no way to pay it all back.
  5. Profit.
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