The Ultimate Warrior: A Fuckeulogy

Professional wrestler WARRIOR, born James Brian Hellwig, passed away yesterday at the young but hardly surprising age of 54. Though he adopted various stage names throughout his illustrious career, such as Blade Runner Rock, Dingo Warrior, and James “Justice” Hellwig, he is best known for his brief-yet-profitable stint with the WWF, where he was known as THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR. A paragon of early 1990s sex appeal, WARRIOR was what every six-to-thirteen-year-old boy wanted to be: a spandex-clad, grease-painted muscle man, hair drenched in equal parts sweat and AquaNet, his little sister’s neon pink bicycle streamers strapped to his masculine triceps.

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You can never have too many bicycle streamers tied to your arms.

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